allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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