I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
