When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Randomize
