Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
