I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
