you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
