I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
