I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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