On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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