I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
me + whiskey = a bad person
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
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