she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just found puke in my bra..
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
