She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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