All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
