Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
he's gonorrhea incarnate
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
