At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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