just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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