I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
