i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
