My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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