Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
