Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Randomize
