whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
That accounts for only three of the penises
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
