I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
