did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
