I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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