apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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