It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
