So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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