Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
