Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
