Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
