Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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