ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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