Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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