Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Randomize
