Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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