My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
