Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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