Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
