the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
