Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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