He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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