Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
