I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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