need another drink. this is the easiest way
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
