I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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