I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
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