the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
