white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
