His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
