This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
