you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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